Abusive Relationships: Understanding Domestic Abuse

‘Love each other as I have loved you’. (John 15:12) 

Jesus’ command is that, in all our relationships, we show the same love to others that he has shown us – that is, a love that puts the interests, welfare and flourishing of others above our own (Philippians 2:1-4).

If that’s true for relationships in general, how much more so for the closest of all human relationships, such as marriage, dating, or sharing a home with friends, within the family, or in other domestic settings?

Sin’s effects 

Sadly, in our broken and fallen world, even the most precious relationships can be undermined by sin.

Godly care and self-giving can be overtaken by neglect and self-seeking. Relationships intended to be places of love and safety can become those of abuse and danger.

That the command of Christ to love others as he loves us can be so distorted is a tragedy of the highest order - yet it is a reality that churches are often confronted with. 

The Bible, of course, is not naive about that sad reality or the hardness of the human heart. In the Old Testament, God enacted provisions to protect the vulnerable in such situations (Deuteronomy 22:13-30, 24:1-4), and the New Testament is similarly aware that even marriages can be torn apart by sin (Matthew 19:1-11; 1 Corinthians 7:10-16). 

No toleration of abuse 

When such abuses occur in domestic settings, churches will want to make every effort to help repair and restore the relationships affected. Sadly, restoration may not be immediately possible, and separation for safety reasons may be the best option, even temporarily.

In the process of seeking restoration, no-one should be expected (or indeed pressurised) to tolerate a situation where they are subject to ongoing threat and harm. 

Non-toleration of abuse might mean challenging abusive behaviour, seeking outside help or even, when necessary, finding a place of safety. 

Abuse within marriage 

Marriage is a wonderful and divinely given blessing. In its institution, God provided a husband and a wife with a life-long bond of companionship, intimacy, mutual care, security and love (Genesis 2:21-25; Ephesians 4:33; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10; Proverbs 18:22).

It is, when rightly honoured, the bedrock of society and the setting in which families can flourish. But more than that, marriage was instituted to be a picture of the covenant bond between Jesus and his Bride – a living parable displaying the sacrificial headship and loving submission of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:21-33).

Marriages are therefore precious and to be treated with the utmost care (Matthew 19:4-6; Hebrews 13:4).

While there is a spectrum of views held by Christians (and churches) on the exact conditions that might justify the formal dissolution of a marriage, we can all agree that marriage ought never to be used as a justification for the toleration of abusive and harmful behaviour, or scripture weaponised to justify abuse.

Assessing harm

People rarely disclose domestic abuse after just one incident, due to the complexity of this issue and the shame involved. Be aware that there may have been many incidents, including multiple types of abuse over a period of time.

Of course, defining and assessing ‘threat’ or ‘harm’ can be difficult, but churches will be wise not to prejudge the nature of situations brought to them.

Indeed, the personal and distressing nature of such situations means they will rarely be raised lightly. Thus, the default of churches should be to treat any such concerns seriously from the outset.

To do otherwise is to risk perpetuating real harm to vulnerable people, which is both dishonouring to God and could open the church up to subsequent claims of pastoral negligence.

To help churches respond well and appropriately in this complex, emotionally charged and often difficult area of domestic abuse, please see more resources below.

Each church has a responsibility to listen to, take seriously, support, and care for those reporting or affected by domestic abuse.

This model statement and framework encourages awareness of domestic abuse, helps set out your church’s convictions, and helps you consider how to respond when a domestic abuse disclosure is made