Conducting Funerals and Committals
It is a privilege and a solemn responsibility to conduct funeral services and committals. Great sensitivity and love is needed.
Death is a sobering reality of life in a fallen world. One of the unique privileges and solemn responsibilities of pastoral ministry is to conduct thanksgiving/funeral services. We are to weep with those who weep, as well as to rejoice with those who rejoice.
John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, is said to have remarked, “Our people die well”. That is, they died with the assurance of the eternal life given to all who believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Yet, this does not mean that we minimise the sad reality of death and the deep loss the bereaved experience. A paradox for a Christian is experiencing both deep sorrow and comforting joy at one and the same time.
The services we conduct will reflect both the finality and ugliness of death, and the confident hope given by the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.
In Independent ministry, most of the services we are asked to conduct will be either for church members/attendees or for family members of church members/attendees.
Conducting the funeral of a known believer and of those who made no clear profession of faith will be similar but will have some differences.
When it is the funeral of someone known not to be a Christian, we cannot speak with positive confidence about their destiny. However, we need to be very sensitive and not sound as is if we know for sure their destiny: that is God’s prerogative alone.
Basic principles
Thanksgivings/funerals conducted by Christian ministers are no longer the norm. Often, the focus of both religious and secular services is solely on the celebration of the life of the deceased with little reference to God or the truth of God’s word. Sadly, the reality of death and the hope found in the Lord Jesus is often absent.
While it is right that appropriate tribute should be paid to the one who has died, the main focus of a Christian service is to honour God and to minister to the needs of the living with the solid grace and truth of the Lord Jesus.
Often, a distinctive of services conducted by pastors of independent churches will be their knowledge of the deceased and their families, allowing for the service to be personal rather than impersonal.
It may help to think of the short address given by you as the pastor as having two halves:
- The first half, a brief outline of the life, personality and character of the deceased.
- The second half, a succinct presentation of the gospel, maybe starting, in the case of a deceased Christian, with an account of how they became a Christian.
The purpose, then, of a funeral service may be summed up as:
Thanksgiving
To give thanks to God for the life of the deceased.
Proclamation
To proclaim the comfort of God’s word and the good news of the Lord Jesus Christ to the bereaved.
Committal
To commit the body of the deceased to God until the day of resurrection.
Closure
To bring a sense of closure to what may have been an extended period of grief for close relatives and friends.
Practical matters
Before someone dies
If a church member is suffering from a terminal illness, it may be appropriate to discuss with them and their family their wishes for their funeral service before they die. They may find this comforting, and it may help their grieving relatives to know what their loved one desires. To be involved in such conversations is a great privilege.
Older members may want you to have their wishes for their funeral in advance, so that their confidence in the Lord Jesus and his gospel will be clearly proclaimed to their friends and family. It is important to keep such instructions carefully and to suggest that they leave them where their relatives will find them.
In such circumstances, it will still be important to listen to the wishes of the relatives. They do have the power to overrule the deceased!
When someone dies
As the pastor, do not hesitate to get in touch with the family as soon as you hear of the death. Your contact is not an intrusion into their grief. It is your pastoral responsibility and probably the expectation of the family.
Ask if they would like you to go round immediately. If so, go. If not, arrange to meet them at their earliest convenience. See below about meeting bereaved relatives.
Arranging the funeral
Date and time
It is valuable for churches and pastors to develop a good working relationship with local undertakers/funeral directors. They all operate in their own way - there are regional and seasonal variations, including how quickly funerals take place. They tend to take place more quickly in Scotland and Northern Ireland than in England and Wales. Funeral directors will make the practical arrangements with the cemetery and crematorium.
It is wise to have an early phone call with the undertaker chosen by the family to tell them which days and times are possible for the church and the pastor. It’s likely that the undertaker will phone you first if the family indicate they wish the church/pastor to be involved.
In general, undertakers expect to pay fees for the use of the church, the pastor, and the organist/pianist. Churches and pastors need to have a clear policy about this. In many cases, Independent churches do not accept fees, but some do. This needs to be made clear to the undertakers who are accustomed to charging the family for them.
Meeting bereaved relatives
Meeting the family before the service is an opportunity to serve them pastorally. Sensitivity is required if family relationships are poor or stretched over far distances.
There are considerable variations in the way funerals are conducted. What the family desires (including different views within the family), together with any express wishes of the deceased person, needs to be discussed with them as early as possible.
Funeral information leaflet
You might consider having a leaflet available to give to a bereaved family which answers questions people might have in advance. This could be helpful, especially for those who do not regularly attend your church.
Speaking with the bereaved family
It can be helpful to the family to reminisce in front of you about their deceased loved one, while also noting carefully the names of relatives etc. so that you can make the funeral as personal as possible.
These conversations can be pastoral, but also can help with your preparation of services.
Variations of services
There is no fixed order of events for thanksgiving/funeral services.
Below are some options, but there are pros and cons for each. Sensitivity is required, and there may also be practical considerations.
Traditional Pattern: Thanksgiving Service followed by Committal
Traditionally, a thanksgiving/funeral service is followed by a brief committal at a crematorium or the graveside.
The coffin is brought into the church at the beginning of the service, with the family following behind it, who have seats reserved for them at the front of the church. Undertakers sometimes carry the coffin, sometimes the family wish to carry the coffin, but more commonly it is brought in on a trolley. There needs to be sufficient space for the coffin to make its way into the church (think about doorways) and then be placed across the front of the church.
It is better for the family to sit in the second row of seats rather than right next to the coffin. Some families prefer to take their seats first, and then the coffin is brought in. Another alternative is to have the coffin brought in beforehand, and then people take their seats as they arrive, with reserved places for the family to sit together at the front.
At the end of the service, the coffin will usually be brought out by the undertakers. Some cultures have an open coffin, and everyone is invited to walk around it before it is removed for the committal. The family will follow the coffin out, and travel to the cemetery or crematorium for a brief committal.
Advantages: It allows thanksgiving for the life lived and proclamation of the comfort of the gospel, before the committal. The presence of the coffin is a stark reminder of the reality and solemnity of death.
Disadvantages: Practically, it extends the whole event, especially if, after the committal, there are refreshments back at the church. Also, some may feel the presence of the coffin would be unsettling.
Reversed Pattern: Committal followed by Thanksgiving Service
Sometimes the family wish for a brief committal to take place before a longer thanksgiving/funeral service at the church.
At a crematorium
The congregation are normally seated before the coffin is taken in. It is best to get the family seated as well.
The coffin is then carried in with the pastor walking in front, possibly with music chosen by the family, or a hymn tune being played by the organist or digitally, while some appropriate Bible verses are read.
There may be a hymn, scripture is read, there is prayer, and finally, the words of committal.
The family may want particular music played as they leave.
Every crematorium is different. It is also important to know if the pastor has to press a button or take any action regarding the coffin. In many crematoria, a curtain draws across, hiding the coffin at the committal, but in other cases, the coffin is removed.
Some families prefer not to see the coffin being lowered, but to leave the crematorium first. In some cemeteries and crematoria, the pastor needs to sign that he has conducted the funeral.
At a graveside
The pastor generally stands at the head end of the grave and needs to gather the people around the grave, especially if there is a large number present.
The pastor decides, after consultation with the family, whether to have the coffin lowered straight away (which is the simplest) or to have it lowered at a particular point when he will read appropriate verses or words leading up to the committal.
Talk to the funeral director about what you want them to do. It is right for you to take charge. The family needs to decide whether they wish to have earth thrown on the coffin at the words of committal or not. The committal should not be very long; weather conditions can vary considerably.
Advantages: It separates the “sad” reality of the committal from the thanksgiving service and avoids the discomfort some feel having the coffin in the church. Practically, it shortens the gap between the thanksgiving and refreshments etc. Some families would prefer to have a private committal followed by a more public thanksgiving.
Disadvantages: The committal can feel cold and sterile. It misses the opportunity of a message being preached first at the thanksgiving to help them in their grief during the committal.
Combined Thanksgiving Service and Committal
Sometimes the family prefer for a single event to take place at the crematorium or graveside.
As mentioned above, every crematorium is different. It is important to know how much time is allocated for each service - families are often given a choice (with a fee difference) of 20, 45, or up to 60 minutes.
It is important to respect the time allocated because any overrun will impact other grieving families.
This is why a thanksgiving service at the church is often preferred, with a short committal. If the family want a longer slot, they may need to ask the funeral director to book a double slot.
It is wise to fully script everything so that you know you will not run over time.
Advantages: This kind of service is more brief and can be appropriate when there are fewer relatives and friends present.
Disadvantages: This can seem too brief to recognise a life.
Suggested orders of service
Funeral services may take different forms.
In the case of cremation, time is usually limited, it is customary to have two hymns and for the service to last no more than twenty to twenty-five minutes. A thanksgiving/funeral service may have two or three hymns and last a while longer.
Funerals are emotional occasions and it is generally best to aim for no more than forty-five minutes. Close relatives are not always aware of how they will feel when the service actually arrives.
Many pastors find it helpful to plan out funerals very thoroughly, including writing out their prayers and the address in full. This should be done prayerfully and in dependence on the Holy Spirit. It ensures that at a sensitive time, there is no struggling for words and that nothing is left out.
If the close family is welcomed by name at the start, it is important to get the names right and not miss anyone out.
The suggested order of service below is for use in the thanksgiving/funeral of a Christian, though there are alternative wordings given. It would be best to adapt the suggested wording according to your knowledge of the person concerned.
The funerals of infants, still births, suicides and of people who die in other tragic circumstances call for special sensitivity. A later section gives some guidance on these circumstances.
Thanksgiving service
Verses of Scripture
as the coffin is brought in or to start the service.
- Job 19:25,26
- John 11:25-26
- Psalm 46:1
- Psalm 34:18-19, 22
- 1 Peter 1:3-5
- John 14:1-3, 27
Hymn
Prayer
(The following words may be used as they stand or as a guide for the person conducting the service.)
Sovereign Lord, God of all grace and mercy, we come to you at this time of trouble in the assurance that you are a refuge for us, and a source of strength. You are our creator and our Father. You give us life and call us back to yourself. We worship you. We thank you that all our times are in your hands, and that you are wise and good.
We come to you in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. We thank you that he has lived here in this world; that he understands our sorrows and sympathises with us in our grief. We thank you that he died for our sins and that he rose again. We rejoice in the hope he has set before us by his resurrection. He has conquered death and opened the gate of heaven to all who believe. We thank you that for every Christian, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.
We remember with gratitude the life of our dear brother/sister _________ (Name). We thank you for every treasured memory of him/her. We thank you for the times of gladness given to him/her and for sustaining him/her through trial and illness. We thank you for his/her faith in Jesus Christ and life of service lived for him. We thank you that even if we have known the joys and blessings of this life, to be with Christ is far better.
(In the case of an unbeliever, the following would be more appropriate):
We remember with gratitude the life of our friend and loved one _________(Name). We thank you for every treasured memory of him/her. We thank you for the times of gladness given to him/her and for sustaining him/her through trial and illness. We thank you for the joys of family life and friendship and all that he/she meant to each of us.
We thank you that you are described in your word as the Father of compassion and God of all comfort. You know the pain of separation, the sense of loss and sadness that grips our hearts. Grant, we pray, your support and strength, your peace and rest of soul. We ask you especially to draw near to [here the closest family members can be mentioned by name]. Lord, bless them and comfort them at this time. Be to them all they need, both now and over the coming weeks.
In this time of quietness and prayer, turn our thoughts to you. Help us that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Remembering the shortness and uncertainty of our own lives, grant us grace to live as we ought to live and to follow the example of all your faithful servants.
Or:
Remembering the shortness and uncertainty of our own lives, grant us grace to trust in Jesus Christ and follow him. Forgive us our sins for Jesus' sake. Make your face shine upon us and give us peace. Hear our prayer, which we offer in the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.
Reading
At this point you might read one or two passages from the Bible, for example:
- Psalm 121
- Psalm 139
- John 3:16
- Revelation 7:9-17
Tribute by family
This element of the service will vary from family to family. Some will want to give extended or multiple tributes, or to have something read out on their behalf.
Consider sensitively discussing time allocations with those giving tributes.
Hymn
Address
It is often best to speak from one verse rather than a long passage. It is also helpful to choose something which declares the faith of the believer who has died. This allows you to share something of the testimony of their faith in the Lord Jesus.
Some pastors repeat the same funeral sermon over and over again, but take caution. While it is not wrong to repeat what is helpful, there is a benefit of freshness if, having learned about the person and the bereaved family, you ask the Lord to give you something that will be more personal and meaningful.
When you are unsure about the faith of the deceased, it is wise to choose to speak on some aspect of the character of God as seen in our Lord Jesus and to point to the comfort and hope that is found in him. It is not for us to make declarations about the eternal destination of the deceased.
Hymn
Prayer
Applying the truths of the scripture declared and praying for the comfort and support of the family moving forward
Benediction
The committal
As we give thanks for the life God gave to ________, and commit his/her body to the ground/to be cremated, let’s hear the Word of God.
Reading
Read a passage(s) from the Bible, for example:
- 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
- Psalm 23
Prayer of praise and for help
Ask all to stand for the words of committal
Then the pastor says:
“All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands for ever." (Isaiah 40:7-8)
It has pleased almighty God to call away from this life our dear brother/sister and we therefore now commit his/her body to the ground (or to be cremated), earth to earth and dust to dust, knowing his/her soul is with God his/her maker and saviour, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to life immortal, through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died and is risen again, and is at the right hand of God.
Or:
For as much as it has pleased almighty God to call away from this world the soul of our dear friend, we therefore commit his/her body to the grave, dust to dust, ashes to ashes, most surely expecting the coming of the day in which all that are in the grave shall hear the voice of the Son of God and shall come forth. Then shall be seen the power and triumph of Christ the Saviour, for all who die in faith in Christ shall, by his power, be raised to an incorruptible inheritance, which the souls of the redeemed even now enjoy.
Amen.
In the case of an unbeliever, the following may be substituted:
It has pleased Almighty God to call away from this life our dear friend and we therefore now commit his/her body to the ground (or to be cremated), earth to earth, dust to dust, and leave his/her soul with God his/her Maker, assuredly knowing that all who die believing will rise again to life immortal through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died and is risen again, and is at the right hand of God.
Prayer
Let us pray:
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, as we have also forgiven those who have sinned against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory for ever. Amen.
May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in you what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Other benedictions can be found in the following Bible passages:
- Numbers 6:24-26
- 2 Corinthians 13:14
Further verses and passages that may be used:
- Psalm 23
- Psalm 103:13-14
- Matthew 11:28-30
- Psalm 34:15
- John 3:16
- John 6: 35-40
- Romans 8:38-39
- Psalm 91:1-2
- Psalm 90:1-4, 10-12
- John 14:1-6
- 1 Corinthians 15:50-57
- 2 Corinthians 5:1-9
- 1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18
- 1 Thessalonians 5: 9-11
- 1 Peter 1:3-5
- Revelation 22:1-6a
The funeral of a baby or small child
This service has in mind cot deaths, and the deaths of small children by disease or accident. It may need to be slightly adapted in the case of a stillbirth.
All these are occasions of terrible grief for the parents, for brothers and sisters, and for grandparents. Pastors need great wisdom, understanding, sympathy and tact, for "each heart knows its own bitterness" (Proverbs 14:10).
It is a time for weeping with those who weep, for avoiding pious-sounding platitudes and intrusiveness, for giving moral and especially practical support where this is needed. Be prayerful, be available, and show love by actions rather than words.
There can be no doubt about our Lord's love and tender compassion towards little children, and these are seen in the passages which are used in the service.
Children are a precious gift from God and a trust from him (Genesis 33:5; Psalm 127:3; 128). The fact that God calls himself 'Father' indicates the value and importance he places on parental and family relationships (Psalm 103:13).
God delights in all his creation (c.f. Psalm 104), and especially the people he has made: "The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made" (Psalm 103:8).
He who has a special care for orphans and widows understands the sorrow and needs of those who are bereaved (Deuteronomy 14:29; Psalm 146:9; 10:14).
(The whole service is not outlined, but just those parts which indicate that this service is for a small child.)
Reading
- Psalm 103:13
- Isaiah 40:11
- Mark 10:13-16
Prayer
Lord God, our Father in heaven, we turn to you at this time in worship and humility, with a great desire to draw near to you, to know your presence, and to experience the grace and comfort that comes from you alone. We are thankful that Jesus Christ taught us to address you as 'Our Father'; this assures us that you know and understand family relationships, and that you have a fatherly love and care for us.
We thank you for the precious gift of this little child whose life was so brief. We thank you for the tenderness and joy, the care and love that blend together in our memory of him/her.
In his/her days of dependence on those who love him/her, we have seen again what it means to be your children - so dependent and so loved. We cannot understand why life should end so soon; why promise and hope be brought to such a sudden end. But we can, and we do, cast ourselves and all our care on you.
Gracious Lord, look in your tender mercy upon [here name parents, brothers and sisters and grandparents]. You know the sorrow that fills their hearts and the grief that can scarcely be borne. In their bewilderment, and perhaps their anger, grant relief. Support them in their pain. Draw them to yourself. You gave your own Son that we might know a full salvation and a peace that passes understanding. Show yourself the father of compassion, the God of all comfort. Speak that word of power spoken by your Son when faced with a wild and raging sea: "Peace; be still!" Be their strength and stay as the days and weeks go by.
Each of us would commend ourselves to you, O Lord, for your comfort and strength, for we are all touched by the sadness of this time. We thank you for the love and kindness shown by Jesus Christ to little children while he was here in this world. We thank you that he welcomed them to himself, taking them in his arms and blessing them. We thank you that the kingdom of heaven belongs to little children and to all who trust in utter dependence upon the Saviour. Ever grant to us childlike spirits, we pray.
Lord, hear our cries and prayers. Bless us all in your mercy, for we bring our prayers in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Committal
Before the committal, one of the following passages of Scripture may be read:
- Psalm 139:13-18
- Matthew 18:1-4
- Matthew 21:15-16
- Psalm 23
- Mark 10:14b,16
- Psalm 62:5-6
As it has been the will of the Lord our God to call this little child to himself, we lovingly commit his/her body to the ground (or to be cremated), earth to earth, dust to dust (if to be buried), but the soul returns to God who gave it, and remains in his tender care.
Prayer
Let us pray
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we have also forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory for ever.
Amen.
The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face towards you and give you peace.
Amen.
The funeral for a suicide
Believers may take their own lives as well as unbelievers, and such a tragic act does not of itself call faith into question.
Many people who have taken their own lives have had very unhappy and difficult lives, and it is right to try to lift the eyes of those who mourn above the sorrows of this life to the grace of God in Christ.
In him there is the glorious hope of a heaven where there is no pain and all tears are wiped away.
It should be borne in mind that some attending such a funeral may feel that they might have been able to prevent the death if they had acted differently. This possibility can be sensitively included in prayer.
If the person who took their own life was a believer, the service offers a remarkable opportunity to explain the gospel of grace: that we are saved by grace and not by a sinless life. The last act is contrary to God’s will, but this does not jeopardise their salvation if indeed we are saved by grace and not by works.
