The Art of Disagreeing (Book Review)

We live in a culture where the ability to disagree whilst remaining friends seems to be getting more and more difficult.

If you end up on the opposite side of someone’s strongly held opinion, you’re not only wrong but your whole character is brought into question. Disagreements become very personal, and friendships are terminated. Taking time to listen and ask questions is often thrown out in favour of “cancelling” the one who holds such a contentious opinion.

Sadly, it seems this phenomenon has also seeped into the church. Those on opposite sides of a debate – whether theological, political, or personal – make sweeping statements about the validity of each other’s faith.

Church families find themselves divided because two individuals have fallen out. Church members meetings descend into chaos as people seem unable to calm objections to proposed change.

Gavin Ortlund, in The Art of Disagreeing, reminds us that it should not be like this for God’s people. He says,

“How we Christians treat each other matters. The world is watching. When we conduct disagreements without love and without appreciation of our broader unity, we become a hindrance to the gospel.”

Temperament and character

Ortlund starts his short and accessible book by encouraging us to consider our natural temperament when it comes to dealing with conflict:

• Are you a rhino? You charge into the situation leaving everyone involved in no doubt about how you are feeling; your words come thick and fast as you fight out your corner.
• Or are you a hedgehog? You retreat from the situation, looking to do all you can to defend yourself from any potential hurt; you rehearse what you really want to say in your head, but would never dream of saying those words out loud. 

Understanding our natural tendencies helps us ask God for specific correction to be more balanced in our approach.

Ortlund then lays out five principles that can enable us to move towards healthy disagreement.

These principles are simple, but ones I think we often struggle to apply in the midst of conflict. He argues that to disagree in a way which glorifies Christ:

• Our speech should be kind

• Our speech should be courageous

• We need to grow in our ability to listen to others

• We need to grow in our ability to biblically persuade

• All the while we must be showing love towards the other person.

Striving to grow in these principles means that we don’t necessarily have to avoid disagreements. Instead, Ortlund challenges us to consider that:

“Handled well, our disagreements can be both enjoyable and productive. They can deepen our relationships rather than destroy them – and can deepen us along the way.” 

Obviously, growing in these principles won’t mean every disagreement will end well. There will be some people we need to deal with more firmly because their behaviour or their teaching is unbiblical.

In his previous book, Finding the Right Hills to Die On, Ortlund helps us to decide when we should prioritise unity and when we need to stand our ground (read a review from FIEC Head of National Ministries Adrian Reynolds for more). The Art of Disagreeing is designed to aid us more in the day-to-day disagreements which cause disunity where there doesn’t need to be.

Who should read it?

The Art of Disagreeing would be an excellent book for a church leadership team to work through together, especially if they know a change to church life is coming in the near future.

This book would also be very beneficial for those starting out in a ministry role. At some point in church life you will disagree with other believers – whether a fellow leader, a church member, or someone outside your church. Make sure you are prepared for those conversations so that Christ will be honoured and the other believer will be loved as a brother or sister in Christ.

And if you regularly engage with others online, you could read this book and allow God’s Spirit to assess your conduct.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we – as individuals and as churches – were known for disagreeing well?

May we be those whose conversations echo the character of Christ.